Sunday, August 17, 2008
Saturday, August 16, 2008
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
My new Jesus movie idea, "Crucify This!"
Ok, imagine a scene where you see Jesus being dragged towards his cross in the blazing hot sun. Imagine him being laid out onto the cross. Imagine the Romans pounding the spikes through his hands. Imagine him being hoisted up for all to see.
Now imagine this.
As the Romans lift up Jesus on the cross, he looks around calmly at the surrounding Romans as they gawk and laugh at him. Jesus closes his eyes for a moment, then reopens them and glares at the surrounding troops then yells, "Crucify this!" He pulls the spikes out of his hands and throws them at two of the nearest Romans, then reaches down and pulls the last spike out of his foot and tosses it at another! This all happening within fractions of a second. Three Romans down before any could even blink. As Jesus drops to his feet the camera pans from the ground up, to show him holding an M60. Unloading round after round into the Romans as they all try to scramble for cover. After killing over 9000 Romans, Jesus jumps into his Hummer and mounts the M60 on top of his vehicle, While steering with his penis and using his feet to push the pedals. He drives through Jerusalem, killing everyone in sight.
After clearing out the entire populous of Jerusalem he decides to ditch his hummer filled with eight tons of nuclear warheads to blow. Jesus flies out of the hummer with his rocket propelled, laser shooting boots. Nearing the border of the city he notices a furry creature scuttling about below him, taunting him. Jesus fires his laser beam boots at the monster. Explosions everywhere! The Moon fucking explodes from the awesomeness of the explosions. After the dust clears Jesus notices the monster is there unscathed, unsure of what it truly is he flies in at the speed of light. Upon landing on the ground while taking out a group of children from the awesomeness of his landing. He notices its his arch enemy, the Evil Hamster of Satan.
Only 1 minute until the nukes go off! Jesus must destroy this evil spawn of Satan quickly! He fires his laser beam boots again but the Hamster absorbs it with its penis. It charges at Jesus, ripping his left arm off. Jesus doesn't need his left arm though. He grabs the evil monster by its ears with both his left foot and his right hand, Ripping its skin clean off he eats the fur immediately to prove hes not fucking around. The skinless creature begins to chuckle. Slipknot music begins to play in the background. Horns start to grow out of the monsters head, the muscles start to stretch out, it begins to grow to an unimaginable size. Jesus realizes what is happening... Satan is trying to come into the world using its foul creature. Jesus thinks fast, growing his left arm back, he grabs his boots off and shouts "Crucify This!" Fires off the boots, they fly at mach 9000 knocking Satan directly towards the nukes just as they begin the go off. Full body shot of Jesus as he slowly walks towards the camera looking like a total fucking bad ass as the nuclear explosions can be seen going off in the distance.
Credits Roll.
Now imagine this.
As the Romans lift up Jesus on the cross, he looks around calmly at the surrounding Romans as they gawk and laugh at him. Jesus closes his eyes for a moment, then reopens them and glares at the surrounding troops then yells, "Crucify this!" He pulls the spikes out of his hands and throws them at two of the nearest Romans, then reaches down and pulls the last spike out of his foot and tosses it at another! This all happening within fractions of a second. Three Romans down before any could even blink. As Jesus drops to his feet the camera pans from the ground up, to show him holding an M60. Unloading round after round into the Romans as they all try to scramble for cover. After killing over 9000 Romans, Jesus jumps into his Hummer and mounts the M60 on top of his vehicle, While steering with his penis and using his feet to push the pedals. He drives through Jerusalem, killing everyone in sight.
After clearing out the entire populous of Jerusalem he decides to ditch his hummer filled with eight tons of nuclear warheads to blow. Jesus flies out of the hummer with his rocket propelled, laser shooting boots. Nearing the border of the city he notices a furry creature scuttling about below him, taunting him. Jesus fires his laser beam boots at the monster. Explosions everywhere! The Moon fucking explodes from the awesomeness of the explosions. After the dust clears Jesus notices the monster is there unscathed, unsure of what it truly is he flies in at the speed of light. Upon landing on the ground while taking out a group of children from the awesomeness of his landing. He notices its his arch enemy, the Evil Hamster of Satan.
Only 1 minute until the nukes go off! Jesus must destroy this evil spawn of Satan quickly! He fires his laser beam boots again but the Hamster absorbs it with its penis. It charges at Jesus, ripping his left arm off. Jesus doesn't need his left arm though. He grabs the evil monster by its ears with both his left foot and his right hand, Ripping its skin clean off he eats the fur immediately to prove hes not fucking around. The skinless creature begins to chuckle. Slipknot music begins to play in the background. Horns start to grow out of the monsters head, the muscles start to stretch out, it begins to grow to an unimaginable size. Jesus realizes what is happening... Satan is trying to come into the world using its foul creature. Jesus thinks fast, growing his left arm back, he grabs his boots off and shouts "Crucify This!" Fires off the boots, they fly at mach 9000 knocking Satan directly towards the nukes just as they begin the go off. Full body shot of Jesus as he slowly walks towards the camera looking like a total fucking bad ass as the nuclear explosions can be seen going off in the distance.
Credits Roll.
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